If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
