How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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