Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
