The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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