"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
