Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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