The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
