i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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