I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
