My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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