You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Randomize
