Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
