Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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