Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
