ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
