I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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