found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
