Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
