dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
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She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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