Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
