Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
