We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
