Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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