FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
