Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
