im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
