when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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