I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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