Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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