I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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