she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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