god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
