PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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