Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
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I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
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Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing