My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
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sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
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you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.