Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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