im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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