felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
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I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hello my rib-scented angel!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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