dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
