We won't sleep together?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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