I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
