Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
