Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize