You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
