Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
