The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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