This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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