I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
