i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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