Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
