I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
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I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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