They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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