I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
