i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
