Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
