i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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