My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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