so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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