apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
