God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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