Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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